Don't Wait to be Mellow, Meditate even while Mad
I am made of fire. In other words, I am made of passionate energy. I'm impatient, I'm willing, and sometimes I'm downright mad.
For those who love cosmic talk, I was born under the sign of Leo and I have several planets in Leo too. My birth chart reflects lots of fire and some water. My primary dosha or constitution according to Ayurveda is pitta, which means heat and intensity.
I used to be extremely irritable and moody. One thing that prevented me from starting meditation sooner was because I felt I wasn't pure enough for it. I was mad at at myself, my family, society, etc. I was not somebody who could mellow out and meditate easily. But I've since realized, that's okay and it should've been fine for me to practice sooner.
The truth is, you shouldn't wait until something changes to meditate. The change won't come unless you make the attempt to accept what's in front of you -- no matter how uncomfortable -- and that includes overwhelming emotions like anger. You are deserving of the peace of mind that comes from meditation, as you are.
Meditation seemed like such a chill, enlightened activity, it was hard for me to embrace it. When I did try meditating angry, it drove me bonkers because it was like hearing myself yell in my head. I remember one time meditating with hot tears streaming down my eyes because I couldn't hold all the fire inside of me. I felt useless and meditation felt impossible. If sudden crying were to happen to me again today, I would know to accept it as a reality and continue with self-compassion.
While it can feel uneasy, acknowledging your emotions is one of the first steps to living authentically.
I initially felt trapped with my anger, but I began to realize my emotions were telling me something about my life. Things had to change. I had to change. If I had started a mindfulness practice earlier, and allowed myself to feel what I feel and know what I know, I may have came to the conclusion sooner. So I'll save you the trouble.
How to Meditate while you're Mad
Focus on your breathing. Using your breath as an anchor, pay attention to your inhales and exhales. This can be in the form of counting your individual breaths, or noticing the rise and fall of your belly. You may notice that feeling angry can make your breath shorter. It may be helpful to practice deepening or lengthening your breath.
Find radical acceptance. Get to the point where you can say to yourself "I am mad" or "I am angry" and be okay with it. If it feels too painful to think of yourself as a mad or angry person, you can change the language. "I notice anger" or "I am noticing aversion and resentment." After all, you have emotions; you are not your emotions.
Let your fire burn in a controlled area. With the container of your mind as a controlled area during meditation, it's okay to keep being angry. As long as you can accept your emotion and go on without harming, be mad! Meditation is about acceptance of what is. The change comes from what you want to do after you accept it.
Remember that if you're angry, it's because you probably give a damn about something.
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